Love and Marriage Among the Puritans

PilgrimsThe Massachusetts Bay Puritan understanding of marriage was governed by strict laws and customs. Couples were required to publish marriage “banns” – an announcement of their intention at three successive public meetings – or attach a written notice to the meeting house door 14 days before the wedding. They did not consider marriage a religious sacrament, but a civil matter, regulated by the state. The officiant at a wedding was a magistrate, not a minister, a practice that continued until 1686.
Feasting was common after the ceremony, and there was always more than enough cake, rum, and “sack” (fortified wine) to go around. The marriage had to be sexually consummated to be considered valid. If a man was impotent, the marriage was annulled.

Once married, any kind of permanent separation was strictly prohibited. A man who refused to live with his wife was subjected to severe punishment, even flogging. If a man or woman came to the colony and it was discovered they had left a spouse behind in England, they were promptly sent back.

Divorce, though rare, was allowed if it could be proven that either the husband or wife had neglected a fundamental duty. The grounds for divorce included adultery, desertion, and nonsupport by the husband. Massachusetts granted 27 divorces between 1639 and 1692.

ScarletHusbands and wives were not only required to live together, but must do so peacefully. The law forbade them to beat, curse, or quarrel with each other.  Adultery was technically a capital offense, but offenders were executed rarely. More commonly they were fined, whipped, or branded. Nathaniel Hawthorne’s novel The Scarlet Letter showcases the Puritan practice of public shaming including wearing the letter “A” and on the gallows with a rope around the neck.

Late Summer 061A married Puritan woman gave everything she owned to her husband, and focused on running his household. According to the early Puritan cleric John Cotton, her duties included “to see that nothing be wasted or prodigally spent.” She was completely under her husband’s authority and was expected to be submissive and obedient. She was not allowed to make any important decisions without his knowledge and approval. Husbands were cautioned not to expect too much of their wives, who were viewed as “weaker vessels,” both physically and mentally.

It’s tempting to wonder where love comes into all this. Actually, love was considered central to a Puritan marriage. It was viewed as a duty and an obligation required by God of all who entered a marriage covenant.

However, love was regarded as the product of marriage – not the reason for it. Love was more rational than romantic, and most marriages were arranged. Social rank was more important than affection in deciding who would be a good mate. A proper marriage didn’t start with two people falling in love, but with two people separately deciding it was time to marry and choosing someone suitable.

Contrary to the popular stereotype, the Puritans weren’t prudish, and there’s plenty of evidence that, once married, they thoroughly enjoyed sex and romance. The works of Anne Bradstreet are widely noted as good examples, as is Thomas Hooker’s description of a devoted husband:

“The man whose heart is endeared to the woman he loves, he dreams of her in the night, hath her in his eye and apprehension when he awakes, museth on her as he sits at table, walks with her when he travels and parlies with her in each place where he comes . . .”

9 thoughts on “Love and Marriage Among the Puritans

  1. Interesting! There’s something rather logical to all of this in that it certainly made for a well-ordered society which the Puritans prized highly. Although, I don’t know how one loves out of duty and obligation and finds enjoyment in sex because of that; these are quite foreign concepts for us 21st century folks! 🙂

  2. Honestly, I understand their view of view of marital love. I decided rather young that I would not look to marry a man I fell head over heels for; but rather a man with whom I was a friend, with whom I could be bored. I did love him, but it was a rational, gentle love that has turned into a very good 11 year marriage. It’s a peaceful love built over time, instead of the passionate, lose yourself kind which I feel has helped through the rough times. I imagine, however that this is not the thinking of most people and so such views would likely seem alien in our age.

    • I agree, Chantay. I think marriages that last have to move past the excitement phase into deep and abiding friendship. When you study the long of marriage, it’s clear that for most of human history falling in love with your partner before the wedding was not considered important or necessary.

  3. Hi Amy,
    We meet again. Nice website. I’m working on rebooting mine right now.
    I’m Sharmin Fairbanks McKenny. You were so kind to skyp with my book club when we read “The Flight of the Sparrow.” We all loved the book. It was great to talk to the author and eat the nuts and berries like Mary Rowlandson did during her captivity. Well, I am now writing an Historical Fiction. I’m writing of my families that came to New England in in the early 1600’s. The Fairbanks built the oldest frame house still standing in America in 1637 in Dedham, Massachusetts. The Prescotts, you probably ran across that name, founded Lancaster, the scene of your book, “The Flight of the Sparrow,” in 1643, I was looking at your blog on Puritan marriages since Jonas Fairbanks and Lydia Prescott was the first recorded marriage in Lancaster. That’s how I found you again. Thank you for preserving history for us all. I hope to do the same with my blog and book.
    I’ll be watching for more from you. Thanks!

    • Thanks for your comments Sharmin. And congratulations on undertaking an historical novel! I visited the Fairbanks House as part of my research for Flight of the Sparrow and found it invaluable in getting a feel for how 17th century New Englanders actually lived. The house is a real treaure. Good luck with your book!

  4. Hello Amy,
    I’d like to know about the photo of woman in blue to the left of the lines: “A married Puritan woman gave everything she owned to her husband, and focused on running his household. According…”
    I am looking for few appropriate photos for an historic novella that I expect to self-publish. Would you please contact me?
    Mary L.

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